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Literature Text
The girl's tiny hands clawed at the dirt wall. Fresh earth pattered down onto her head like rain. Her frantic little eyes glanced at the cold hand sticking out from the bloodied sheets.
"Daddy!"
Only an hour ago she had been sitting in the living room, playing with her toys. Her mother's cheerful whistling floated out from the kitchen and kept the silence at bay. Everything had been so peaceful.
"Daddy! Please!"
But then He had come home. The whistling was replaced by yelling and cussing. Their voices grew louder and louder with every second, only stopping once a loud crack rang throughout the house.
"Daddy! Let me out! Please!"
The rest was a blur. She barely remembered getting into the truck with Him after loading sheets into the back. Then she had woken up down here with the sheets, earth raining down on her head.
"Daddy, please! STOP IT!"
"Daddy!"
Only an hour ago she had been sitting in the living room, playing with her toys. Her mother's cheerful whistling floated out from the kitchen and kept the silence at bay. Everything had been so peaceful.
"Daddy! Please!"
But then He had come home. The whistling was replaced by yelling and cussing. Their voices grew louder and louder with every second, only stopping once a loud crack rang throughout the house.
"Daddy! Let me out! Please!"
The rest was a blur. She barely remembered getting into the truck with Him after loading sheets into the back. Then she had woken up down here with the sheets, earth raining down on her head.
"Daddy, please! STOP IT!"
Edit: Holy crap, this entry actually won! 
This was a micro fiction written for OfOneSoul's contest being held in the Literature Forum. The theme was murder, the act of illegally killing someone with premeditated thought. I really cut it close and don't even know if I actually got it in on time, but it sure was fun to write!
If you wish to leave a critique, let me know what you thought of the piece. Do you think that the theme of the contest is prominent? Do you feel the girl's sense of urgency and fear, or no? What would you have done differently with this piece? Let me know!
This was a micro fiction written for OfOneSoul's contest being held in the Literature Forum. The theme was murder, the act of illegally killing someone with premeditated thought. I really cut it close and don't even know if I actually got it in on time, but it sure was fun to write!
If you wish to leave a critique, let me know what you thought of the piece. Do you think that the theme of the contest is prominent? Do you feel the girl's sense of urgency and fear, or no? What would you have done differently with this piece? Let me know!
© 2014 - 2024 Miss-Mutated-Mango
Comments5
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The piece is quite enjoyable, but very confusing at first, at least for me. I had to read through it thrice to understand what's going on. At first I thought there's been some land slide (hence clawing at a dirt wall, dead body in the sheets, probably in bed while it happened), and that the dad's hand was sticking out of the sheets (that's why she's calling him - so he'd wake up or something) then I was confused as to who killed who in that fight. Then I thought dad locked her in her room. Then I wasn't sure if she got into the truck with him, or unbeknownst to him, though later figured out that if she helped with the sheets he must've know she's there. Then I thought the "Daddy, please stop it" refers to him assaulting her on the back of the truck.
It all stems from inserting a flashback between every single one of her lines without making it clear enough they are flash backs, so I read it all in order.
One might wonder why I didn't "get" such a short piece. Maybe it all seemed clearer in your head, maybe I'm just unfocused after reading through a couple of really mentally taxing works on the forums. Or maybe it's, like I said, the unclear structure of line - flashback - line - flashback.
Other than that, narration is conscise, keeps the readers interest, there's no pretentiousness in the style, etc.
It all stems from inserting a flashback between every single one of her lines without making it clear enough they are flash backs, so I read it all in order.
One might wonder why I didn't "get" such a short piece. Maybe it all seemed clearer in your head, maybe I'm just unfocused after reading through a couple of really mentally taxing works on the forums. Or maybe it's, like I said, the unclear structure of line - flashback - line - flashback.
Other than that, narration is conscise, keeps the readers interest, there's no pretentiousness in the style, etc.